Counseling the Adopted Child

I haven't had time to read the whole article linked HERE, but because I/we subscribe to the CCEF (Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation) Biblical Counseling Journal and have a great degree of respect for CCEF I decided to go ahead and post this link.

Support and Encouragement for Adoptive Parents & Families

If you're considering adopting, in the process of adopting, or have already adopted 'older' children, please drop by our adoption support blog (co-authored with dear friends) for some Biblical encouragement and support!

Adoption 3:16

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Gaining a Biblical View on the Adopted Child's "Early Life" Experiences

Because we are adoptive parents of older foreign-born children, our theology has been put to the test in ways that most parents would never imagine, much less consider! :-)

Take for instance the fact that our children came to us already equipped with a "worldview" of their own--survival at any and all cost. Their worldview was shaped and molded much like yours and mine, but theirs had an interesting twist--how does one respond to relentlessly being sinned against by people who are supposed to love, protect and care for you?

Within the first two to three years of parenting our daughters, I came to understand that I had to remind myself that I/we were responsible for retraining sinful habits in our girls that were brought about by people OTHER than us! We often received the brunt of their anger and hurt that previously had been acted out toward people we never knew--and would likely never meet. Sin damages relationships, and our daughter's had experienced plenty of "damaged" relationships.

Recently, while preparing for my NANC exam, I read the following in the Christian Counselor's Manual by Jay Adams,

"'But,' someone contends, 'how can you hold a four-year-old responsible for the life style that he develops under the strong home influences of his childhood? For instance, doesn't extreme abuse by his parents disadvantage him for life?' Would not abuse cause a child so to deviate from normal living patterns that inevitably he would become abnormal? Part of the answer to the question of permanent effects of extreme child abuse doubtless lies in the physical (organic) abuses which so often affect later life. Much abuse also may occur in forms similar to the types of communist brainwashing that combine organic and psychological factors. Here too, where organic damage occurs, the effects may be lasting.

While recognizing that any discussion of childhood responsibility evokes an undue amount of emotion from some, first, nevertheless, we must be bold to assert the biblical fact that God does hold children responsible for sin from the very first day of their lives. 'By nature' (i.e., that corrupted deposit with which they were born) they are declared to be 'children of wrath' (Ephesians 2:3b). They are guilty in Adam (Romans 5). In addition, they express this sinful nature by living 'in the lusts of their flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind; (Ephesians 2:3a). The extent to which God holds a child responsible may be hard to measure, but the fact that He does so is certain. David said, 'Behold, in sinful state I was born and in sin did my mother conceive me' (Psalm 51:5, Berkeley). Elsewhere he wrote: 'The wicked are estranged from the womb; these who speak lies go astray from birth' (Psalm 58:3). The fact of infant mortality in a world in which God has declared, 'The wages of sin is death,' substantiates this doctrine of the moral culpability of infants before God. They are both held guilty for sin (because of Adam's sin--cf. Romans 3:23; ch. 5) and polluted by sin. Their corrupted nature expresses itself from birth (see passages above) in acts of actual transgression. So, there can be no doubt about it; God holds children responsible for their sin.

The question, therefore, is not whether the sinful life styles developed by children with sinful natures in response to sinful influences or even acts of abuse against them are wrong or not. They are. Sin is sin, whether the sinner is young or old. Nor is it a matter of whether they are responsible. Again, they are. The very fact that children are not considered to be morally neutral in the sight of God means that they may be held responsible for making whatever righteous responses that it is possible for a child to make at any given age. As unredeemed sinners, children will fail to respond as they should. For this they are accountable."

Now, having read that, please do NOT loose hope! God, as always, has made a way--even for the adoptive parent who is parenting a "challenging child"! Go HERE and read about Godly parenting.

Challenges

"My 'challenging child' is a challenged child, emotionally damaged by people I've never met and have no knowledge of..." ~ One of my journal entries dated April 2006.

One of the challenges of parenting an 'older' child is identifying and addressing the sinful habits/behavior adopted by the child in response to his early life of adversity, neglect, and often abuse. This is an ongoing process and no amount of psychological or academic testing will ever accurately identify the problem, much less suggest a solution. For the Christian parent, this means we must focus our attention, instruction, and correction on 'heart' issues.

Errrr, ahhhh, did I mention that building our family through "older child" adoption hasn't been easy?

If you haven't noticed, I've alluded several times here that the "early days" together were "challenging". I don't intentionally down-play this fact, but I also don't seek to highlight it either.

Recently I had the opportunity to shine a "spotlight" on our early days together in hopes of encouraging a family struggling through their "early days" with their Russian-born teen. Here's an email (VERY LONG) that I sent while they were trying to decide if and how to proceed (the names have been altered to protect their privacy).

Hello D & L,

You and your family have been on our minds for most of the month...because we've been anticipating your return from Russia following your adoption of S...

So, earlier today I emailed K. asking if she thought it would be okay for our family to welcome you home from Russia at the airport--hoping that we could greet S.... K. graciously informed me that your time in Russia with S. had been challenging since arriving in Moscow. Her brief description of the struggles you've encountered instantly transported me back to our own challenges and personal struggles while in Russia with a VERY unhappy 12 1/2 year old girl--our oldest, Olga. And, how those difficult days continued through our first year home together.

It has caused me to realize that I may have done many people a great disservice by not sharing many of the details of our struggles in the early days. One wants to be so careful to not give others reason to fret or shrink back from similar struggles, and not imply that difficult times are inevitable, because, as you know, our struggles are not necessarily going to be the same. So with that in mind, I want to tell you that we understand and sympathize with where you are right now--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is only by God's grace that we are where we are today--that includes John and me, not just our girls! Not only have our girls grown and changed, so have John and I, and that's exactly how God intended it to be all along. We've been stretched and pushed in ways we never would have expected and NEVER would have asked for!!

Because we went through some very dark days with our girls, I have a better understanding of what the Apostle Paul was saying when he said, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, Who comforts us in all of our afflictions to make us capable of comforting persons in every sort of affliction by the comfort with which God comforted us. Just as we experience Christ's sufferings in abundance, so too through Christ we experience an abundance of comfort. When we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; when we are comforted, it is to comfort you SO THAT YOU MAY EFFECTIVELY ENDURE THE SAME SUFFERINGS THAT WE ALSO ARE SUFFERING. And OUR HOPE FOR YOU IS FIRM, since we know that as you share in our sufferings, so too you will share in our comfort...this happened so that we wouldn't depend upon ourselves but on God..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-9).

Like you, we embraced our daughters long before they actually became ours--we chose Olga before we received video or photos of her! Even after our first trip we pondered the quiet somewhat aloofness we saw(even on the video we brought home) in Olga. As a woman, I saw the guarded distance she had already established as a way of protecting herself. I even commented on the apparent annoyance she showed toward us during our brief visit with her--both John and I worked valiantly to communicate with her verbally (in Russian and through the translators) and emotionally. It was apparent that years in an orphanage and years in a neglectful family had taught her how to distance herself.

During the days prior to our first trip we were in contact via email with the orphanage director who knew Olga and some of her family well. She told us how scared Olga was becoming about being adopted, and how she may not consent to being adopted. We were very concerned and asked friends and family to pray that the Lord would intervene and cause her to make a wise and favorable choice when we appeared in court--we had no idea until we were in court and heard our translator translate Olga's consent. But, that wasn't the end of it.While in Russia during our second trip (we were there a little over three weeks the second time) Olga did everything she could to keep her distance from us physically and emotionally.

Phone calls from friends here in the states were spent with me often crying and saying how unhappy Olga was and how we were unsure if we should force her to leave with us. One very experienced and wise friend of ours (adoptive mother of 8 older foreign-born children--three of which are from disruptions) simply told me one day on the phone,"...you need to GET HER OUT OF THERE". Which, quite honestly is what we did--knowing that she was unhappy and our life was forever changed. How would we manage to love, train and educate such a daughter?

D. and L., I know you're in a very delicate and uncomfortable place right now. While in Moscow, we were at one of the Russian govt. buildings finalizing paperwork and all that John and I could do was stand in a daze speechless as we wondered what the future held for us--our comfortable childless, two career life was over, and the children we had longed for didn't really seem to care for us!

Once we got home our family and friends rallied around us in ways we'd never imagined, much less asked for! They helped us keep our resolve, continued to pray for us, encouraged us, gave us "date nights", supported our rules and guidelines with our girls (they need lots of that!!), and were patient with us as we got our family's feet on the ground.

As the mother, I was on "high alert" for at least the first 9 months, probably more like 12 months. I lost almost 40 pounds in just 4-6 months. I had no idea what our girls were capable of, or willing to risk--would they walk out the door, would they try to set fire to the house, would they be abusive to our pets?????? We made and kept some very firm rules in the early days--ones they now understand and appreciate, but clearly loathed in the early days. Olga outweighed me by about 20 pounds not long after we arrived home--they both gained weight pretty quickly when we got home, while I continued to lose!!Through all of this, we kept the communication lines OPEN! They were not allowed to "blow us off" when we asked what was wrong. They were not allowed to show disrespect (rolling eyes, sighing, etc.) because all of those behaviors had been their first line of defense in the orphanage with the care givers. For the first time in YEARS they both had accountability 24/7!!! I was there all the time--I was their "worst nightmare"!! And when John came home, he took up where I left off. I'll admit, he was the first of us who purposely helped ease the tension by finding ways to have fun and be silly with them, even when they didn't want to respond to his efforts. I had to learn how to ease up on them as they slowly learned and embraced our family values and practices.

Of course, in hindsight we can see God's hand ALL OVER those days--good and bad. He is the One who called us to adopt our girls--we wanted children, but He orchestrated the whole thing--and He is the One who has equipped us to teach them what it means to be apart of a family and how they are to behave. Clearly, the most amazing thing has been watching how God has softened the cold hard heart of our Olga. Fourteen months after becoming ours, Olga surrendered her life to Christ and has completely changed her outlook on life, her relationships, and her future. She is very much still an young teenage girl, but one with compassion and a desire to not only obey her parents, but a desire to please God by being what He calls her to be. It has been a VERY long and hard road, and we still have many miles to go in so many areas, but we can confidently point to God's calling us, and equipping us in ways we were, and are completely incapable of on our own!

I want you to know that you have our compassion and understanding regardless of what tomorrow brings for you and S. I also want you to know that you may contact us anytime you need some support once you're home... I know you have a heart for these children, I also know that God will give you the grace, wisdom and endurance necessary for the days ahead. Very Sincerely, Connie