Dos and Don'ts for Mother~Daughter Talks

(HT: Purple Cellar)


Do be available. Often the time won't be convenient, but try not to show it.

Do be encouraging. So many people and situations discourage our children. Let them know you're behind them.

Do be interested. They'll never relate to our world until we've learned to relate to theirs.

Do be observant. Know your daughter well. A lot of communication can be nonverbal. Be sensitive to where she is today.

Do be understanding. Look at your daughter's world and the world at large through her eyes.

Don't be inappropriately angry. When we display our anger in an unhealthy way, the light switch seems to turn off quickly. Communication has ended.

Don't be exasperating. We need to have realistic expectations for our daughter.

Don't be impatient. Growing into adulthood is hard work and takes time, with many trials and errors along the way.

Don't be obnoxious. If our children are not responding to our discipline, we need to find another and better way to encourage better behavior or thought. Don't let walls build up between you and your daughter.

Don't be unyielding. Sometimes we are wrong as moms, or we react inappropriately. Don't be afraid to confess your errors.

2007-08 Yearbook Photos

These are the individual photos of Nina and Olga that we submitted for the yearbook of our local home school group (CHEF - Christian Home Educators' Fellowship). Clearly, our girls are growing up too quickly!

Our Adoption Interview Posted At "From Hope to Reality"

Dan Cruver, Director of Ministry Outreach for Carolina Hope Christian Adoption Agency, recently asked to interview us on the subject of our adoptions.

Dan posted the interview today at their blog--you can read it HERE.

To God be ALL the glory--He has been so faithful and gracious to our little family!

Nina the Nurturer

As I've mentioned several times already, Nina is our 'little mother'. As far back as our time together in Moscow, she's been mindful of things that need to be done--mostly by others! Ha!

But her 'nurturing' side has been blossoming and wanting to express itself in the form of pet owner.

When we brought our girls home we already had two (indoor) cats. Within the first year we added one (outdoor) dog--a really large one! Several months ago Nina acquired two of her very own goldfish. Now she has her eye (and maybe even her heart) on a hamster.

I may be wrong, but I'm thinking two cats and a hamster won't be a very good mix. Still, I love seeing this side of our Nina!

I've Posted Some New Pictures!!!

Getting Acquainted During Our First Trip ~ July 2002

Welcome Home party ~ Oct. 2002

Mother & Daughter Tea ~ April 2003

First Family Vacation ~ Sept. 2003

Born Again ~ January 2004

Mother & Daughter(s) Tea ~ April 2004

Family Vacation ~ July 2004

First College Football Game ~ Oct. 2004

Sisters ~ Fall 2005

Family Vacation ~ Sept. 2006

Christmas 2007

My Boast is in the Lord...

...because only He can rescue an orphan, change her heart and make her His own, enable her to acquire a second language, and bless her with the desire and discipline to enjoy learning!

Olga received her final grades for this fall's college courses--she remains on the President's Honor Roll for maintaining a 4.0. Please rejoice with us at what God has done and continues to do--for His glory--in the life of a former orphan!

Christmas Recital and Party ~ 2007

Today was the girls' annual Christmas recital and party! It's always an informal fun time of enjoying music and seeing how the kids have progressed in their studies! Oh yea, sorry about the great photos of their backs--it would have been disruptive to get up and try for a better shot!


Nina (far right) playing piano trio--that's her teacher playing for an absent student on the left! :-)

Olga (left) playing piano duet.

Olga playing during cello trio.

Olga (center) playing in trio (that's her teacher on the right!).

The Stigma of Being an Orphan

In case you're interested, I recently posted 'The Stigma of Being an Orphan, over at my theology blog.

Gaining a Biblical View on the Adopted Child's "Early Life" Experiences

Because we are adoptive parents of older foreign-born children, our theology has been put to the test in ways that most parents would never imagine, much less consider! :-)

Take for instance the fact that our children came to us already equipped with a "worldview" of their own--survival at any and all cost. Their worldview was shaped and molded much like yours and mine, but theirs had an interesting twist--how does one respond to relentlessly being sinned against by people who are supposed to love, protect and care for you?

Within the first two to three years of parenting our daughters, I came to understand that I had to remind myself that I/we were responsible for retraining sinful habits in our girls that were brought about by people OTHER than us! We often received the brunt of their anger and hurt that previously had been acted out toward people we never knew--and would likely never meet. Sin damages relationships, and our daughter's had experienced plenty of "damaged" relationships.

Recently, while preparing for my NANC exam, I read the following in the Christian Counselor's Manual by Jay Adams,

"'But,' someone contends, 'how can you hold a four-year-old responsible for the life style that he develops under the strong home influences of his childhood? For instance, doesn't extreme abuse by his parents disadvantage him for life?' Would not abuse cause a child so to deviate from normal living patterns that inevitably he would become abnormal? Part of the answer to the question of permanent effects of extreme child abuse doubtless lies in the physical (organic) abuses which so often affect later life. Much abuse also may occur in forms similar to the types of communist brainwashing that combine organic and psychological factors. Here too, where organic damage occurs, the effects may be lasting.

While recognizing that any discussion of childhood responsibility evokes an undue amount of emotion from some, first, nevertheless, we must be bold to assert the biblical fact that God does hold children responsible for sin from the very first day of their lives. 'By nature' (i.e., that corrupted deposit with which they were born) they are declared to be 'children of wrath' (Ephesians 2:3b). They are guilty in Adam (Romans 5). In addition, they express this sinful nature by living 'in the lusts of their flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind; (Ephesians 2:3a). The extent to which God holds a child responsible may be hard to measure, but the fact that He does so is certain. David said, 'Behold, in sinful state I was born and in sin did my mother conceive me' (Psalm 51:5, Berkeley). Elsewhere he wrote: 'The wicked are estranged from the womb; these who speak lies go astray from birth' (Psalm 58:3). The fact of infant mortality in a world in which God has declared, 'The wages of sin is death,' substantiates this doctrine of the moral culpability of infants before God. They are both held guilty for sin (because of Adam's sin--cf. Romans 3:23; ch. 5) and polluted by sin. Their corrupted nature expresses itself from birth (see passages above) in acts of actual transgression. So, there can be no doubt about it; God holds children responsible for their sin.

The question, therefore, is not whether the sinful life styles developed by children with sinful natures in response to sinful influences or even acts of abuse against them are wrong or not. They are. Sin is sin, whether the sinner is young or old. Nor is it a matter of whether they are responsible. Again, they are. The very fact that children are not considered to be morally neutral in the sight of God means that they may be held responsible for making whatever righteous responses that it is possible for a child to make at any given age. As unredeemed sinners, children will fail to respond as they should. For this they are accountable."

Now, having read that, please do NOT loose hope! God, as always, has made a way--even for the adoptive parent who is parenting a "challenging child"! Go HERE and read about Godly parenting.

Challenges

"My 'challenging child' is a challenged child, emotionally damaged by people I've never met and have no knowledge of..." ~ One of my journal entries dated April 2006.

One of the challenges of parenting an 'older' child is identifying and addressing the sinful habits/behavior adopted by the child in response to his early life of adversity, neglect, and often abuse. This is an ongoing process and no amount of psychological or academic testing will ever accurately identify the problem, much less suggest a solution. For the Christian parent, this means we must focus our attention, instruction, and correction on 'heart' issues.

Errrr, ahhhh, did I mention that building our family through "older child" adoption hasn't been easy?

If you haven't noticed, I've alluded several times here that the "early days" together were "challenging". I don't intentionally down-play this fact, but I also don't seek to highlight it either.

Recently I had the opportunity to shine a "spotlight" on our early days together in hopes of encouraging a family struggling through their "early days" with their Russian-born teen. Here's an email (VERY LONG) that I sent while they were trying to decide if and how to proceed (the names have been altered to protect their privacy).

Hello D & L,

You and your family have been on our minds for most of the month...because we've been anticipating your return from Russia following your adoption of S...

So, earlier today I emailed K. asking if she thought it would be okay for our family to welcome you home from Russia at the airport--hoping that we could greet S.... K. graciously informed me that your time in Russia with S. had been challenging since arriving in Moscow. Her brief description of the struggles you've encountered instantly transported me back to our own challenges and personal struggles while in Russia with a VERY unhappy 12 1/2 year old girl--our oldest, Olga. And, how those difficult days continued through our first year home together.

It has caused me to realize that I may have done many people a great disservice by not sharing many of the details of our struggles in the early days. One wants to be so careful to not give others reason to fret or shrink back from similar struggles, and not imply that difficult times are inevitable, because, as you know, our struggles are not necessarily going to be the same. So with that in mind, I want to tell you that we understand and sympathize with where you are right now--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is only by God's grace that we are where we are today--that includes John and me, not just our girls! Not only have our girls grown and changed, so have John and I, and that's exactly how God intended it to be all along. We've been stretched and pushed in ways we never would have expected and NEVER would have asked for!!

Because we went through some very dark days with our girls, I have a better understanding of what the Apostle Paul was saying when he said, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, Who comforts us in all of our afflictions to make us capable of comforting persons in every sort of affliction by the comfort with which God comforted us. Just as we experience Christ's sufferings in abundance, so too through Christ we experience an abundance of comfort. When we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; when we are comforted, it is to comfort you SO THAT YOU MAY EFFECTIVELY ENDURE THE SAME SUFFERINGS THAT WE ALSO ARE SUFFERING. And OUR HOPE FOR YOU IS FIRM, since we know that as you share in our sufferings, so too you will share in our comfort...this happened so that we wouldn't depend upon ourselves but on God..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-9).

Like you, we embraced our daughters long before they actually became ours--we chose Olga before we received video or photos of her! Even after our first trip we pondered the quiet somewhat aloofness we saw(even on the video we brought home) in Olga. As a woman, I saw the guarded distance she had already established as a way of protecting herself. I even commented on the apparent annoyance she showed toward us during our brief visit with her--both John and I worked valiantly to communicate with her verbally (in Russian and through the translators) and emotionally. It was apparent that years in an orphanage and years in a neglectful family had taught her how to distance herself.

During the days prior to our first trip we were in contact via email with the orphanage director who knew Olga and some of her family well. She told us how scared Olga was becoming about being adopted, and how she may not consent to being adopted. We were very concerned and asked friends and family to pray that the Lord would intervene and cause her to make a wise and favorable choice when we appeared in court--we had no idea until we were in court and heard our translator translate Olga's consent. But, that wasn't the end of it.While in Russia during our second trip (we were there a little over three weeks the second time) Olga did everything she could to keep her distance from us physically and emotionally.

Phone calls from friends here in the states were spent with me often crying and saying how unhappy Olga was and how we were unsure if we should force her to leave with us. One very experienced and wise friend of ours (adoptive mother of 8 older foreign-born children--three of which are from disruptions) simply told me one day on the phone,"...you need to GET HER OUT OF THERE". Which, quite honestly is what we did--knowing that she was unhappy and our life was forever changed. How would we manage to love, train and educate such a daughter?

D. and L., I know you're in a very delicate and uncomfortable place right now. While in Moscow, we were at one of the Russian govt. buildings finalizing paperwork and all that John and I could do was stand in a daze speechless as we wondered what the future held for us--our comfortable childless, two career life was over, and the children we had longed for didn't really seem to care for us!

Once we got home our family and friends rallied around us in ways we'd never imagined, much less asked for! They helped us keep our resolve, continued to pray for us, encouraged us, gave us "date nights", supported our rules and guidelines with our girls (they need lots of that!!), and were patient with us as we got our family's feet on the ground.

As the mother, I was on "high alert" for at least the first 9 months, probably more like 12 months. I lost almost 40 pounds in just 4-6 months. I had no idea what our girls were capable of, or willing to risk--would they walk out the door, would they try to set fire to the house, would they be abusive to our pets?????? We made and kept some very firm rules in the early days--ones they now understand and appreciate, but clearly loathed in the early days. Olga outweighed me by about 20 pounds not long after we arrived home--they both gained weight pretty quickly when we got home, while I continued to lose!!Through all of this, we kept the communication lines OPEN! They were not allowed to "blow us off" when we asked what was wrong. They were not allowed to show disrespect (rolling eyes, sighing, etc.) because all of those behaviors had been their first line of defense in the orphanage with the care givers. For the first time in YEARS they both had accountability 24/7!!! I was there all the time--I was their "worst nightmare"!! And when John came home, he took up where I left off. I'll admit, he was the first of us who purposely helped ease the tension by finding ways to have fun and be silly with them, even when they didn't want to respond to his efforts. I had to learn how to ease up on them as they slowly learned and embraced our family values and practices.

Of course, in hindsight we can see God's hand ALL OVER those days--good and bad. He is the One who called us to adopt our girls--we wanted children, but He orchestrated the whole thing--and He is the One who has equipped us to teach them what it means to be apart of a family and how they are to behave. Clearly, the most amazing thing has been watching how God has softened the cold hard heart of our Olga. Fourteen months after becoming ours, Olga surrendered her life to Christ and has completely changed her outlook on life, her relationships, and her future. She is very much still an young teenage girl, but one with compassion and a desire to not only obey her parents, but a desire to please God by being what He calls her to be. It has been a VERY long and hard road, and we still have many miles to go in so many areas, but we can confidently point to God's calling us, and equipping us in ways we were, and are completely incapable of on our own!

I want you to know that you have our compassion and understanding regardless of what tomorrow brings for you and S. I also want you to know that you may contact us anytime you need some support once you're home... I know you have a heart for these children, I also know that God will give you the grace, wisdom and endurance necessary for the days ahead. Very Sincerely, Connie

Adoption and the Gospel ~ Transracial Adoptions

How does/should the gospel impact our view, actions, and response to adoption? Dan Cruver has posted an interview with J.B. Watkins addressing this issue focusing on transracial adoptions.

In our own church (small congregation of about 120) adoption has become a very vital part of the gospel, with a total of seventeen children adopted domestically, internationally, cross-culturally, and interracially--by only seven families in the past eight years--to God be the glory!

In our own experience, adopting cross-culturally (Russia) had/has many challenges but over time the visible differences (language, culture, habits, preferences) tend to fade or disappear. Not so with transracial adoptions--how should the Church respond AND support these families as they live out and share the gospel before the world?

Olga is now a full-fledged legal driver!

This was my response tonight (yes, I AM hamming it up!!) when Olga drove away for the first time without a licensed driver (i.e. dad or me) in the front seat. Yip, she got her license Thursday, so we let her and Nina go do a little shopping and see a movie while we entertained our dinner group.

I'm glad to report that both girls returned home safely later in the evening--and a bit "older" in some ways. Sigh...where has the time gone??

Christians, orphans, and adoption

Back in April I wrote THIS regarding the Christian's spiritual adoption. Later in August, I was surprised and encouraged to receive a comment to that post from Dan Cruver, Ministry Outreach Coordinator for Carolina Hope Christian Adoption Agency

In Dan's comment, he said some things that I whole-heartedly agree with and hope more Christians will consider,

"...We are working hard to articulate the connection between spiritual and human adoption. We believe that the more people grow in their understanding of spiritual adoption the more they will consider extending the same kind of kindness to orphans (whether through adopting themselves, assisting others to adopt, or through mission trips to orphanages around the world)."

Since receiving his comment, I've regularly read his Carolina Hope blog and have been very encouraged by the thoughtful and challenging posts Dan offers on the topic of adoption--both spiritual and physical. I hope you'll take some time to read his blog, I'm fairly confident most Christians haven't thought this deeply or thoroughly on the matter of adoption.

Carolina Hope Christian Adoption Agency blog, "from hope to reality"

BTW, please understand that I'm NOT saying I believe every Christian couple is called or equipped to adopt children. What I am saying is God does call ALL Christians to care for orphans--in various ways at various levels!

Celebrating Meeting Our Girls Just Five Years Ago!

UPDATED to include day TWO, July 13, of our first trip!

You know, it's funny, I've been planning and hoping to journal and/or scrapbook our adoption story for the past five years, but as it turns out I'm apparently going to "blog" it! Who would of thought it? :-)

July 8, 2007 marks the fifth anniversary of probably the most exciting and stressful 11 days of my entire life, because THAT is the day I received the call from our adoption agency telling us when we'd be able to meet our soon-to-be daughters! Just four short days after that phone call John and I were in Russia!

I plan to post a daily entry here using the actual date--for the sake of historic accuracy--through July 18 when we returned from our whirlwind FIRST trip to Russia to meet our girls and commit to adopting them. To make it easy for you, I'll provide the links below so you won't have to go searching the archives!

July 8, 2002 - ""THE" phone call"

July 12, 2002 - "First trip - Leavin' for Russia"

July 13, 2002 - "First Trip - Day Two: JFK to Frankfurt, to Moscow"

July 14, 2002 - "First Trip - Day Three: Moscow!"

Stay tuned, there will be posts for July 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, & 18th!!! :-)

Olga Starts College

UPDATE: We are delighted to share with you that Olga was placed on the "President's Honor Roll" for maintaining a 4.0 in her three summer classes!

This past spring Olga was accepted by our local community college for their "concurrent enrollment" program. This program allows high school students to take college classes (for full credit) while they complete their junior and senior years in high school!

It's just so hard to believe that she's been ours for less than five years and now she's a college student--and a very GOOD student, at that!

More posts as I stroll down memory lane

Five years ago today we were told that Olga was in the hospital--later we discovered what an understatement that had been!

Suicide attempt

And, five years ago tomorrow we found our Nina!

Finding Nina

Pictures

As the clouds and rain have continued today, so has my "stroll down memory lane".

I've posted a few photos here:

Meeting Our Girls

Court Hearing

Farewell Party at the Orphanage

Going Home

I'm sure I'll be posting more pictures as I continue my "stroll".

Adoption Updates

It's a cloudy and rainy spring day today--perfect for some quiet reflection.

I've been sifting through old adoption-related emails, and because this time of year always takes me back to this time in 2002 when we were waiting for our girls, I've been "strolling down memory lane" and shedding a few tears!

I've decided to post the "adoption updates" here that we sent via email to friends and family back in 2002. And, for the sake of historic accuracy I've decided to post them using the actual date they were composed and sent.

I'm sure there are more that I haven't come across yet, but let's start with these:

June 9, 2002 - We've found another daughter!

July 8, 2002 - THE phone call, "...be in Russia THIS Saturday"!

August 15, 2002 - So busy since our first trip to Russia

August 27, 2002 - Our court date has been set!